Dec. 14, 1999

A Conversation with Myself

This entry is bound to be a downer.. you've been warned.

I was awakened this morning by a phone call from my father, who has been in Florida for a week now. He asked me to phone his urologist for him. My father has been on hormone therapy for prostate cancer for about six weeks now, and he wants to know if his loss of appetite and constipation is a side effect of the medication.

My first guess, for what it's worth, is that it's a symptom of his illness.

Of course I put in a call to the doctor, at 9 AM sharp, and was told he'd call me back this evening. It's now midnight, I guess I can stop waiting for tonight. Is it reasonable to expect a busy doctor to return all his calls the same day? I honestly don't know. My emotional side tells me that if he can't, he's taking on too many patients. When it comes to this entire situation, my rational mind is lagging way behind.

Stepmom thinks Dad should come home. (I didn't think he should have gone in the first place!) I suggested he see a doctor there, but he grumbled that his travel insurance won't cover a "pre-existing condition".

Frustrated Daughter: How responsible was it for him to travel, in that case? At the very least he should be ready to bear the cost of an office visit.

Other voice in my head: He knows this will probably be his last trip. He's turning 84 soon. What is he supposed to do, stay home and wait to die? Any inconvenience I suffer is worth it for any happiness he can still manage.

FD: Yes but what if he comes home before we even leave to go there? (10 more days) We've sent deposits, made plans, how could I go, if he's sick enough to come home?

OVIMH: Calm yourself, he said Stepmom was exaggerating. Of course I don't believe that but maybe he does and he'll stay there at least till we arrive.

FD: What if he needs to go home while we're there? I hate to fly..


Me again... tomorrow Older Son leaves to travel to Fort Lauderdale with his friend's family (the ones we'll eventually meet up with) and I need some worrying energy for his three day car trip, plus bowling and an emergency school meeting which I really shouldn't go to because that means I won't be accompanying Hubby in delivering Older Son to his friend's house to sleep over there because they want to leave at 4 AM Thursday and if anything happened I would never forgive myself.

OVIMH: That sentence just set your writing skills and state of emotional growth back 30 years. Go to bed.

Me: OK.

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