Nov. 7, 1999

It Ain't Heavy, it's my Journal

I'm having an awful time deciding what to write about tonight. Too many thoughts and emotions flitting around, but nothing wants to settle. I have a few paragraphs here and there about such things as the siblings I don't have, the generation gap, a study about rats and motherhood I read about - but I look at it and say, "So?????" If it bores me, for sure it'll bore you.

So I've decided to ramble. Let's see how that works.

Uppermost in my mind I guess is my father and his prostate. I took him to the doctor for a hormone injection on Friday. It made him light-headed but otherwise he had no immediate side effects. The doctor didn't have a cow about Dad's going to Florida.. quite the opposite. He understands.. that's good. My stepmother is worrying me more and more. She continues to lose her memory. They've been to doctors and she's on some medication but it doesn't seem to be helping. She is also continually congested, as if she has allergies, (which she doesn't.. she's been tested up and down!) which is a new thing going on about as long as the memory loss. I wonder if the two could be related, perhaps a tiny tumor somewhere? I plan to ask her doctor about it. He'll probably look at me as if I'm crazy but I'm used to that and it can't hurt to ask.

When I brought Dad home on Friday I was helping him adjust the settings on his VCR and he happened to put on a tape he had made of our old 8mm home movies. I would not watch it. I just couldn't. He didn't seem upset by that but it made me wonder about myself. Most of the people in the video are dead by now, but at the time most were younger than I am now. My mother, grandfather and favourite aunt and uncle were there. I guess the timing was bad.. watching the video would have brought out all sorts of feelings that are carefully stuffed away, and I had all that I could handle watching my father being treated for cancer, at the moment.

Is it really necessary to take out, examine, and expunge all our neuroses? Is it worth the pain? Perhaps only if it keeps us from functioning.. or perhaps we all have to answer that our own way. I refuse to feel guilty for living with most of mine, though!

In other news..

Younger Son joined a gym with a few (male) friends. He seems less obsessed with girls this year, which is good.. his crowd began having mixed parties in grade four! He needs a break. Of course Older Son is filling that gap. He's working extra hours to pay for his new cell phone.. which he bought because he could no longer nicely share mine. It eludes me why he needs a cell phone but it's handy for me since I can now reach him at any time, and HE is paying for that privilege.

Current favourite new CD: Santana, Supernatural. Absolutely wonderful.
Current favourite old CD: Fleetwood Mac, the Dance. They got better with age.
Song running through my head at the moment because I can't write with music on: "Mistake" by Serial Joe, a teen band out of Toronto. This is one of the songs my son's band covers. Must get rid of it. Must put on some Pink Floyd.

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