August 14, 1999


Some days it just feels like all the problems come together and close in. I feel depressed and anxious. It's a sense of impending doom, somehow combined with a tired "why bother" feeling.

Most times I can derail this by playing music (perversely, "The Wall" by Pink Floyd often works well) talking to a friend, forcing myself to concentrate on the positive aspects and to downplay the negatives. Now we'll see how writing it out works.

Nothing that's on my mind is dire or tragic, and I am thankful for that. But the "it could be worse" thought process never helped my mood much. All of this shall pass but it's making me darn nervous in the process.

Number one worry is Older Son. He's 18 now and taking "a semester" off junior college to remain at the office job he found this summer. This isn't what's bothering me, though. He is not a Student and college was pretty much a waste of time for him last year. He needs to WANT it and there's nothing I can do to produce that, rather, living in the real (employed) world is what I'm hoping will do it. The problem is, a girl.

A very very aggressive girl. Older Son is not a normal teenager.. he's more like a teenage old person in tastes and habits. He has also been very shy around girls.. till now. This one, whom he met at work, liked what she saw and has gone after it in a very off-putting (to me) manner. My fear is that he's going to be overwhelmed before he knows what happened to him. I don't want to get any more specific than that right now.

Then there's the usual teenage angst with Younger Son. This one is normal.. sometimes TOO normal. I seem to have caught myself inbetween a father-son power struggle and am of course losing from both sides. Going to have to rethink my position here..

There's something else too that I'm having trouble even finding the words to describe. It has to do with a friendship. Yes, an online friendship but I don't value those any less than what I call "local" friendships. (I avoid using "real life" as an opposite to "online" because I have met online people and they are as "real" as I am!) This friendship had been over two years old (ancient in online terms!) when it fell apart, over misunderstandings and words spoken in anger and stubbornness, the usual sort of story.

Just this week I spoke to my friend after almost a year of silence. It looks like we'll be able to sort things out, but I feel unaccountably depressed about it. I definitely want the friendship back but there's some kind of warning system going off in my head. If there's anything I've learned over the years it's been to trust my feelings and instincts.. so of course negative feelings about this turn of events bother me intellectually too. (Yes I'm overanalyzing but what are journals for, after all..)

Well writing helped a little but I think it's going to take "The Wall" (and time) to make a dent in this mood.

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