February 24, 2004

Today

I'm writing today, at the risk of making this another in the series of doom and gloom entries.

Maybe it won't turn out that way. Let's see.

Today, because it's February 24. A date that needs no other explanation in my personal life.

This entry, however, is not about him.
His family can take care of that.
It's about me.
One thing I learned early - way too early - was that I and only I am responsible for my emotional state.
Even if there was someone I could lean on, doing so would make me dependent upon them. The metaphor translates quite literally, I think.

As much as I'd like to, I know I can't be totally independent, and do rely on friends for support; but in the context of this metaphor, the support would be helping me to build my own structure, not providing me with one that may be pulled away at a moment's notice.

Anniversaries, especially first anniversaries, are difficult. I start to obsess about a month before.
Even if I try to ignore it, it comes out in crankiness and depression.

Today was actually not as bad as I imagined. I had a lot of running around to do with Rob. I didn't plan it that way on purpose but maybe I should have. I did forget, for hours at a time.

And I made some progress. Bought a couple of magazines to assess potential markets for my writing, and decided on plan A and plan B for therapy.

Plan A is the local psychologist who can begin to see me next week.
If that doesn't work out for whatever reason, my family doctor can give me a referral to the hospital clinic, as he did years ago. While that route is cheaper (covered by Provincial Health Insurance) it will take longer than I'd like to get an appointment, probably months.
I also want to give talk therapy a real try this time, and a psychologist (as opposed to a psychiatrist) doesn't prescribe medication. I can continue with the prozac, which does me some good, but not enough.
I think I've come about as far as I can, on my own.

This evening I have bowling stats to finish up, e-mails to write, and birdies to obsess over - I've gotten hooked (again) on the falcons.
The action has already begun this year, with nest visitations and efforts to identify who is settling down where and with whom. (The birds are tagged as babies.)
So far the matriarch, Mae, has been sighted but hasn't claimed her usual nest. Usual, as in 15 years.
It's like the passing of a generation.

Eagles and owls are under supervision as well, and there are TWO new eagle eggs in a nest somewhere in Colorado.
Bird watching, even if virtual, is a great distraction and I find it quite relaxing to keep an eye on the webcams and comment in the forum.

Since the journal-related discussion lists have become so quiet, I find myself looking for other sources of interaction.
I guess that's a good sign.



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