September 11, 2003

9-11 Again

I've been off for the past few days. Even by my own questionable standards. More emotional and irrational without an obvious (to me) reason.
More jittery.
More strange dreams, including one in which a spider turned into a turtle - with two heads.
The heads were fighting over one small piece of meat. I found this fascinating in the dream, not at all scary.
(If anyone wants to try to interpret the dream, I'd be grateful!)

Most of the time I'm okay with gusts to pretty good. I'm getting out more, signed up for some classes, have lost more weight, and generally feel optimistic.

Then there are the bad days, like today. Of course the date is no coincidence. Anniversaries have always been important to me, for good or bad, even when I try to ignore them.

And I did try.

Since I didn't lose anyone I knew on 9/11/01, I again feel the need to justify my feelings, not only to the world but to myself.

(Much of this entire journal is about justifying my feelings, I suppose. Sometimes I work under the assumption that my feelings, no matter about what, are invalid unless proven otherwise. I know how wrong that is, it's another old habit that slips back when I'm not vigilant.)

Suppressing the urge to go off on that tangent...

No, I didn't lose anyone but that was by luck, not by design. I know people who lost friends or associates and I'd doubt if many in North America are more than two or three degrees of separation away from being directly affected.

I could have been there, or on one of those planes. Anybody could have been. It was an attack on everyone.

But there's more to my mood than that. I did lose someone this year (as you are all no doubt sick of hearing about) and there is a connection apart from the one in my head.

When the attack occurred in Nairobi in 1998, Jeremy was there, in the Canadian Embassy nearby.
He helped care for the wounded and was later awarded a Meritorious Service Decoration by the Governor General of Canada.

He also experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome and as far as I could tell, never fully recovered from it.

I don't know whether the experience contributed to his early death but the parallels are too strong for me to ignore, this day.

This day, I just hurt, for everybody.

Tomorrow will be better.

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