March 8, 2003

Closure?

I can't bring myself to read over the last two entries so if I repeat myself (and you notice it) I'm sorry.

I expect this will be the last entry concerning my recent loss.
I'm starting to heal and starting to think about other things.

I've mostly stopped crying on the outside, and slowed down crying on the inside.

My head feels clearer and I'm able to focus on other things that interest me; particularly the news and watching sports events.
(I'm tempted to digress into why I'm so partial to sports but I'll leave it for another time, and I've probably already written about that anyway.)

I'm still moving around in slow motion (yes even compared to what's normal for me) but it hurts a bit less.
The concept that Jeremy is gone, the friendship is gone, everything is gone, is sinking in. I'm accepting it.

All the other times we broke up, had fights, got disgusted with each other, etc. etc., I knew the friendship would still be there. And while it is in spirit, I'll have to wait until the afterlife or next life or whatever to rejoin it.
Sure that's melodramatic but anyone who has read this journal regularly knows that I'm not usually prone to that sort of thing.
It's how I feel at the moment.

The funeral was last Wednesday in Ottawa. I did not attend.
I wasn't part of his present life except tangentially, in email and the occasional phone call. My feelings are way out of proportion to the present circumstances and it would have been inappropriate for me to be there.

Bottom line: I didn't want to, and it wouldn't have done the family any good to have me there either.

While this entry is turning out rather depressing, I really am feeling better than before. Even though I didn't attend, just knowing the funeral was over seemed to be a signal to begin to let it go.

After all, what choice do I have?

The worst time is still when I wake up in the morning and lie there, thinking.
At least that provides some motivation for me to get out of bed.

There are times during the day when I feel close to normal, and when the thoughts come back, they're no longer a surprise and a shock.

My kids have been good at providing hugs; my friends and acquaintances are providing support.

I know I need to look outside my home and cyberspace for a life; right now that seems a bit overwhelming but soon that will come too.


As I said, on to other things.
For instance:
Today is International Women's Day.

It got by me somehow in 2001 and 2002, but I made mention of it in an entry three years ago.
(Link is below.)

At the time I had difficulty finding a relevant web site and had to venture out to Australia for one.
That one still exists, and there are many more out there now, as Google reveals, even one on the Government of Canada site.

I'm not going to speculate now on the meaning of the day and how far we (women) have or haven't come.
I don't have the attention span for that yet, but I guess the day is worth a mention nonetheless.


International Women's Day logo



Linque Du Jour:   Channel R
Those who come in through the front door may have noticed a new graphic on my home page:

channel R


Channel R is Rien's photo site.

The image for the link is hosted on Rien's site. It changes, at least every few days but it seems perhaps more often than that.

So I'm not responsible for which picture shows up, and I kind of like the idea of random content. At least from someone I trust.

Maybe I'm not such a control freak as I think.


Looking Back
Very approximately...

One year ago:
No March entries last year.

Two years ago:
External Validation

Three years ago:
Treading Water - during my father's hospitalization in 2000.



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