February 28, 2003

Reflections

Re the previous entry:

Thanks to all who sent emails and who left messages of support in the guestbook.
It makes me feel a little less alone.

I received one email that astounded me. It was from a friend of a friend, a person who doesn't know me all that well. (And who does not have his own online journal though perhaps he should!)

This person told me exactly how I'm feeling and while reading it made me cry (still does) it is wonderful to know that someone else understands - not only the loss, which of course we all understand, but the circumstances and why this one hurts so much:


Dear Pauline,

I'm very sorry you lost someone who meant so much to you.
Every person has someone in his/her life that's kind of a core to your existence. They don't even have to be a physical presence. But you think about them all the time. They're the standard by which you judge relationships. And they're often the prism through which you view and interpret the world. Sometimes they hold a place in your heart that no one else can touch.

You just lost that kind of person and the pain from that is unbearable.

That's why I'm so sorry you lost Jeremy.

P.S. Even though it's trite, I still have to say it. The pain WILL subside. And soon you'll only have the memories. Mostly good. And even the bad ones won't seem so bad when seen in context.



The last four days have been some of the worst of my life. I'm alternating between disbelief, anger, and sorrow.

Lots of anger, some even at myself. For caring this much.

Jeremy was part of my long-distant past. He broke my heart more than once and now he's done it again.
For the last time. If not for good.

I gave as good (or bad) as I got, according to him but he liked to rewrite history. I never really knew how he felt; the only real indication was that he kept coming back no matter how bitchy (or honest, as I saw it) I was to him.

My late uncle came by for a few moments last night, while I was sitting at the computer.
I couldn't really tell what he wanted to say but I hope it was that Jeremy was okay and that they were taking care of him.

He was always close with my family.
My mother adored him and he never really understood why I had such problems with her.
My father loved him too. He wanted to hear news of Jeremy even while sick in the hospital.
Way back in the 70s, my father had an operation on his cervical spine and Jeremy, who was working at that hospital at the time, accompanied him to the operating room, farther than even family was allowed.
There was some rumour about him sneaking cigarettes to my father while he was convalescing, too.

But it just couldn't work between us.
We seemed to be put on this earth to make each other miserable, yet stayed in contact (making each other miserable) right to the end.

He was not the only man I ever loved; I had other boyfriends and I loved my husband when I married him and for many years afterwards.
His constant criticism and disinterest is what killed the marriage - not any outside forces.

Jeremy married too, probably about twenty years ago. I met his wife and daughter and they met my family.
My kids remember him, even though the meetings were few and at least ten years ago.

There were a few things I said in my last entry that were wrong. I did hear from his wife who let me know about the logistics of their return to Canada and left me contact information. I replied to her email as best I could but I have no idea what I wrote.

I don't know why I did this but tonight I looked for the obituary online.
With predictable results.
But I guess it's part of the process.
The process really sucks.



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