January 9, 2003

Validation?

Thanks to all who offered feedback about my job situation (previous entry).

I wondered if it was just me, or if I was missing something, and the reassurance that I'm seeing it straight is very comforting.

A few people suggested I not act in haste to quit, and believe me I considered that.

I'm pretty sure it was a question of jump or be pushed.

Yes I could have fought.

I chose not to.

The truth is, it WAS too much for me physically. I didn't want to admit that, most of all to myself.
As I've been told by one who should know, I'm in denial about my age.

But it wasn't a matter of age as much as individual condition. Standing for so many hours so often was causing my usual tendinitis to spread and become worse.
I hoped I'd overcome the fatigue but that wasn't happening either.

If not for this push, I would have continued and perhaps adapted, perhaps not.
Perhaps I'd have had to leave purely on the grounds that my body couldn't cope.

I guess that's why I was unable to be just that much more bubbly and outgoing.
Especially by late afternoon.

Had they been paying me more, maybe I'd have fought harder.
Had I needed the money more, of course.
But weighing the options brought me to this decision.

I called Manager late yesterday and told her that this was as good as it was going to get, and that I'd better resign.
She immediately began to apologize and tell me how bad she felt.

Well, ok...

I mentioned I'd look for something with shorter hours, and she offered to recommend me to the "part time pool" at the bank.
These are sort of in-house temps that go to whatever branch in the city needs them on short notice.
I didn't ask her why I was good enough for that but not good enough for her. I took the offer as a validation of my work and left it at that.

She later called to say the part time pool was already overstaffed but would I consider an office job.
"Sure", I said.
"Three days a week?"

Huh? That's not a rhetorical type of job question.

"Do you have something in mind?"
"I'm brainstorming with some clients. Tell me again what you can do on the computer."
"Word processing, spreadsheet, internet, e-mail, I can make a basic webpage (ha! very basic!) and update a web page..."

I hear her repeating this to someone.

"I take it then, that at the very least I can rely on you for a reference in regard to the quality of my work?"
"Oh yes, yes, I feel so bad, mutter mutter mutter."

It's more than I would have ended up with had I waited to be pushed.

So I worked for almost two months, made a few (Canadian) dollars and am certainly no worse off than I was last fall.

Now all I have to do is resolve my inevitable issues over quitting anything.

I know in my mind and my gut that I'm doing the right thing. Now I just have to convince those voices in my head.



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