January 5, 2003
Who Will Be My Role Model...?
I recently realized that I have no female role model.
I have female friends but no woman, past or present, that I can think of as showing me the way. Someone older and/or more advanced on the road I'm trying to travel.
My mother? Forget it... I knew from a very early age that I wasn't like her, or didn't want to be like her.
I even told her so, during my teenage years.
Yes, I was a joy to bring up.
I have several aunts but none that I was ever close enough to.
They were all on my father's side and looking back, I get the feeling that there was some competition between my mother and them, at least in her mind. For whatever reason, closeness just never developed.
Both my grandmothers died long before I was born.
Housemate's family? No need to go there either.
I like and respect my Stepmother but again, we didn't have that closeness and her path wasn't mine.
Of course I love my friends, online and off but they're fellow travelers, not leaders.
So I must forge my own path, it seems.
Perhaps it's better that way - no preconceived notions of what's possible and what isn't. No timetable. No competition.
No way to gauge my progress except for my own level of contentment. And after all that's what's important.
Basically I am content these days.
At least I have some direction.
I'm content to remain in my household for now, with the understanding that it's for convenience only - financial convenience and convenience for the kids.
Convenience for me too, since many of the household chores are taken care of (or at least, allocated elsewhere!)
The price for all this convenience is any potential personal life I might have.
I haven't had a personal life in so long, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
No decent man is going to "date" me while I'm still living with a Housemate.
Not that I know any decent men, anyway.
And not that I'm really in a hurry to get involved. I would like to have a man in my life at some point in the future but for now, all they seem to bring is aggravation, and I have a Housemate and two sons for that, thank you.
Even at that future point, I don't think I'd want to get married or even cohabit. I can envision separate apartments like my cousin in New York has, and my father's cousin in Florida too.
I need my space.
When I was single, I used to have nightmares about being married. I felt trapped and closed in.
Yet, I wanted and needed to find a husband, for reasons of personal validation: simply, I'd have felt like a loser (or MORE of a loser) if I couldn't land a man.
So I landed one, had the requisite two children, fulfilled my own expectations and now I feel free to live the rest of my life any way I choose.
Without the burden, nor assistance, of a role model.
But if I must...
If I were to pick a role model, the first woman who comes to mind is Helen Thomas, the EIGHTY-TWO year old journalist/columnist who has worked in Washington since 1943 and has covered every president since (and including) Kennedy.
Of course I know nothing about her life but I hope that when (if) I'm 82 I'm as sharp and active as she is.
(I don't even think I am, now!)
Signs, symptoms and even a cure for what may ensue when you follow the anti-role model.
One year ago:
Two years ago:
The Mind Wanders...
Three years ago:
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