December 22, 2002

Going Nuts!

There are a few entries running around in my head at the moment.

Two have even partially made their way onto a page (well, a file.)

Heavy-ish things like my personal relationships with other women (not THAT, I mean role model figures) and why being good to people is sometimes bad for everybody.

But I can't do it right now.

I don't have the energy and I'm sufficiently mellow that I don't want to disrupt the mood.

It's 9 AM Sunday morning and I want to write SOMETHING because I might not have another opportunity during the day and tomorrow it's back to work.

So I'll just babble.

I never was much of a high-energy person, physically or psychologically, and during this adjustment to a full-time job I find I need to ration both carefully.

Even so, by Friday evening I'm a mess.

This week, I slept, on and off, from 8 PM Friday to 9 AM Saturday, and napped Saturday afternoon. Then slept my usual six hours last night.

I will get used to it. I will.
I have adjusted to things before.
For instance, the birth of my first child.

Not so much the BIRTH, which wasn't too bad as births go, but the change in lifestyle that having an infant entails.
I had never baby-sat, never had a younger sibling, and had absolutely no experience with babies.

I probably had some postpartum depression and was not content at all for much of the first year of his life.

He was a colicky, high-strung baby, perhaps reacting to my mood, perhaps not, who knows.

He's STILL colicky and high-strung at 21.

I felt overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed and trapped with no way out even if I had wanted one.
I felt that I was on call constantly with no time to myself.
To this day, I jealously guard my "alone" time.

Then-Hubby was good with babies and young children and did a lot when he was home, but he was inflexible about taking time off from work.

We moved to a new neighbourhood when Mark was one month. I knew a few people but not well enough for the kind of support I needed.
My mother was cloistered away in her room, trying to hide her cancer. When Mark was three months she was taken to hospital, and died there six months later.

I guess that stress didn't help much.

The rest of the family was focused (rightly so!) on her.

I can't compare those times with these.
I get to go home at night.
I get weekends off.
I get lunch breaks and uninterrupted bathroom breaks.
Still, when I think about the adjustment, those times are the first that spring to my mind.

There's a little depression at work here.
I wake up with it in the morning but it gets lost in the rest of the day.
There's a big seasonal component to it.
If I didn't know that already I would by looking through my archives.
These are, after all, literally the DARKEST days of the year.

I don't consciously think about it (much) but for years we spent the "holidays" in Florida with my late father.
Many times I didn't feel like making the trip but of course now I only remember the good parts.
The memories don't upset me, though.
They're comforting if anything.

It seems I'm out of steam for now so let's move on to the....


Linque Du Jour:   Neuticles
Another one that just makes my jaw drop.
Don't miss the intro, and be sure to check out the Inventor's link.
Now we know what Bugoti is missing!


Looking Back
Approximately...

One year ago:
Silly Season

Two years ago:
Babbling

Three years ago:
Vacation Minus One and Counting



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