January 1, 2002

Resolutions Part II

Finally a new page design! One resolution down, a bunch to go.

Please, if it doesn't work properly for you, let me know; different browsers and operating systems have their own ideas.
The same if it hurts your eyes or is otherwise unreadable.

...continued from previous entry:

Housemate* continued to look confused today when I reminded him I wanted resolutions - for me. He must have thought there was a catch.
Finally he suggested, meekly:

Try to park a little farther from the snow banks so as not to rip the fender off your car.

Fair enough.. I have ripped off my share of fenders like that (and in a few low-speed tussles with trucks. It's always trucks.)

Later he gathered up his courage and proclaimed:

HM: You, (pause for effect) AND I, should...
Me: These are for me. You can make your own resolutions.
(I figured what was coming and didn't want to hear it.)
HM: (Ignoring my signals) You, and I too, should try to live together more harmoniously.
Me: I thought we were getting along much better.

I really do think that. We are fighting less, not that we ever fought very much, and since I don't expect anything now that we're separated, in spirit anyway, I'm never disappointed.

HM: Well we could make it more harmonious.

I didn't ask him how.

It was tempting but I didn't have the energy for the discussion that would have ensued. A discussion that we've had many times before.

We had it several weeks ago, when his brother got him all stirred up to try to save the marriage, and he begged me for "another chance". All I would agree to at that time was to talk with him when he wanted to.

He hasn't wanted to.

He is friendly and cordial around the house; he occasionally displays his sense of humour (which is excellent - there had to be a reason I married him!) but he has made no effort to discuss or otherwise communicate anything but household and parenting stuff.

He goes to bed early (not new) and - without even saying goodnight - closes his bedroom door at around 10 PM (new).
I feel free to open it to get to the bathroom or find anything that I need but it definitely sends a message that is the opposite of the one his words intended.

He did the same last night (New Year's Eve) which was fine with me, but one might think he'd use the opportunity to make some headway, if that's what he wanted.

Even taking into account that he feels hurt and rejected, I can't help but think that he's not really motivated to make an effort with his own behaviour, but (perhaps) continues to hope that I'll come to my senses - or something.

His third resolution for me was:

Spend a little - no, a LOT less time on the computer.

Depends what he imagines I'd do instead...
For years he has wanted me to organize (and properly clean) the house; just lately I've begun to do that, cleaning out drawers, reinstituting my filing system and, yes, even washing walls.
He mentioned, in the discussion about "resolutions", that I was working on the house "by myself", meaning without his telling me to (this week).

He sees it as a good sign.

It isn't.

He may think I'm doing it to please him, although that would make no sense.
(In the olden days I did much more of what he wanted, to try to please him, and finally came to realize that it was never enough.
By definition.
No matter what I did it would always be found wanting.)

Really, getting the house in order is the equivalent of getting my affairs in order - not for death (I hope!) but for a new life.
Even if I still live here I need to find some independence; a job or failing that a big volunteer project.
And/or school.

It amazes me how he doesn't see what's right in front of his nose.

*Housemate: The person previously known as Hubby with whom I am separated but still sharing a house and kids - but not a bedroom - with.

Colleen is collecting New Year's Wishes; these are mine:

  1. Health and success (on their own terms) for my children.
  2. No more death. (Yeah, I know but there was no rule about being realistic.)
  3. A slow news year.
  4. The courage to actually formulate a life plan or two.
  5. The discipline to follow them.

Linque Du Jour:   The What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be Quiz
I found this on Dawn's weblog.

According to this test, mine should be "to incite a revolution through my art" - hey I can live with that!

But a quick glance at the graphic makes it look like it's saying, "Stop being stupid."

Well there is that, too...

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