August 15, 2001

Loose Ends

(Pun Intended.)

It's 11:30 PM and I'm grumpy, crampy, sleepy, and tired.
Four dwarves, not bad.

Grumpy, I don't need a reason for; crampy because it's that time of the month (go ahead, men, cringe); sleepy and tired because I can't seem to get enough sleep at night.

When I'm myself, I never wake up before the alarm, and sometimes not even then.
In the last three months (yes, since Dad died) if I've made it to the alarm twice, it's a lot.
The only time I sleep really well is during the day.
Contrary as always.
(My mother used to call me contrary. Why isn't that word used anymore?)

Getting back to things female...
I thought if I hosted the menopause 'burb (Hot Flashes) maybe it would set things in motion, sort of. When I tell my friends I wish it (menopause) would happen already, they just look at me. Especially the ones that are in it or have been through it.

Can it really be worse than this? Two to three days every month, I'm miserable. Then there's the week to ten days leading up to it, when I can't even stand to be with myself sometimes; and the two day headache that follows each cycle.

The idea of not having to deal with any of this is extremely enticing. Not even Alvin's list of symptoms has put me off.
Besides, I already have all of those symptoms. Except maybe for the ringing in the ears, but that could be on account of the voices drowning it out.

My mother claimed to have a late menopause. This is not a good sign for me. Perhaps she just didn't want to admit to herself, or anyone else, that she wasn't in her youth anymore.
The difference with me is, I can claim both youth and menopause simultaneously.
It's a suspension of reality thing.

This reminds me of the time about eight or nine years ago when I had my tubes tied; it happened to coincide with a close friend's fortieth birthday and she asked me if I wasn't afraid of losing my youth, or something.
I didn't understand that at all. Not being able to have kids when you're done with having kids is very liberating.

I've never regretted having the surgery; it did take some courage to finally make the decision. Not the no more kids decision - I was over forty and had two healthy sons, why push my luck - but the decision to have an operation that wasn't medically necessary.

I rationalized it as follows:
I told my gynecologist that my periods were heavier and more difficult; he said maybe I should think about having a D&C (where they clean out your insides) and I said, can you tie my tubes at the same time?
Thus, I could tell myself I wasn't having it for one reason alone.

Of course all that could have been avoided if Hubby had agreed to a vasectomy. Vasectomies didn't require general anesthesia but tubal ligations did, then. I can't entirely blame him but... well if it hadn't turned out ok I probably would blame him along with myself.

So one Friday morning in May 1993 my Uncle drove me to the hospital at 6 AM while Hubby saw the kids off to school and later met me there. What I remember most is being wheeled into the operating room, like on TV but smaller, and having all these doctors around me.

The anesthetic was amazing - they ran an IV and told me I would feel something warm; I did and then - nothing. Just out, like turning off a switch.

The next thing I knew a nurse was waking me, which annoyed me considerably - I had been in a really good sleep.
Then I realized I was still alive, which was a good thing.

They made me lie there awhile and then rest in another room for most of the day.

The next evening I went out to dinner with friends. Five days later I bowled.
(I had scheduled the operation for the week after bowling ended; but due to unforeseen circumstances, the last bowling week was delayed that year.)

Of course everyone told me stories about failed tubal ligations but happily, mine worked.

If there are any men still with me here, congratulations.

All this has given me an idea: the menopause 'burb can be more than just a listing of journals; it can be a COLLAB with monthly topics!
Ladies (and Alvin) how about that!
Since the idea came later, participation will probably be voluntary, not mandatory.
I'll ruminate upon the details and get back to you - suggestions for topics and rules (do we need rules?) are encouraged either in e-mail or on the forum.

As mentioned a couple of entries ago, I've started an alternate site for less-censored venting. (Less censored than this???)
For those interested in the url and password please either join the notify list or e-mail me; unless you're my child, husband, or a member of his family.

There's only one entry up there so far; I don't intend to use it as often as this site, but for the occasional rant and when I feel like tearing at old scars.

Linque Du Jour:   Wishing for Rain

This is a new journal - new to me and actually new, with regular entries only beginning this past March.
The author (a young woman living in Arizona) happened to sign my guestmap, and I followed back the link to her journal.

Beautifully written. Beautifully designed - simple and elegant.
Just go there.

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