June 25, 2001


I'm really cranky tonight.

There's no one single reason. I do have a mild cold but that's not it.. usually that would drain me of the energy to crank.

There are a few pet peeves and issues floating around in my head, that might lead to a rant or two, but not tonight.

I haven't accomplished very much these past few weeks - even by my own ridiculously low standards.

There's something keeping me from moving ahead.
I need to start working on my father's files and accounts.
I need to organize my own stuff, which is a mess.
I need to clean house, literally and in every figurative way.
But I do almost nothing.

Even sitting down to write this has been a challenge. I'm surfing around, playing solitaire, daydreaming, and becoming more and more frustrated with my own inactivity.

Inertia, in a very strong form.

Once I accomplish the above, it frees me up to move ahead.
It doesn't even matter in what way I'd decide to move ahead, it's the very nature of changing my life in any way that has me petrified.

I need a change. I'm restless.
I need to take on new challenges. Maybe a job, maybe school, maybe volunteer work. Maybe even more.

I can't seriously contend that my kids still need me at home.

I'm not a good "homemaker" and have never aspired to be. Well, not in the last couple of decades, anyway. I do aspire to be a good parent but that's not the same thing.

My husband and I agreed that I would stay home to raise the kids.
We didn't agree that I would stay home to be a maidservant.

When I refuse to cook a meal or do something for the kids, they sometimes whine, "but you do nothing all day, why can't you do that?"

Because I'm not your personal slave. You're (insert appropriate age, 17 or 20) you can cook an egg/ find your own shirt which is most likely hanging in your closet anyway/ take a bus to the mall.

There's no question that I need to change things, especially for myself.
I need to grow up.
I'm just afraid to do so.

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